you understand how once you determine you lastly need to work out and get in form, you dedicate like three days of arduous work and assume you must have abs already? (ha, nicely i did) i lastly realized that that is what i was doing with my healing journey for a long time. understanding what I wanted to do and truly DOING it are two very different things. we’re SO caught in our ways, snug (even with our pain), that we continue our patterns and behaviors yr after yr, time and again…annoyed once we receive the identical end result. till we lastly determine we are exhausted. and only WE can determine when that time is. someone can advocate all of the books, podcasts, workouts, diets…and you still won’t be prepared. you may learn this, and it won’t resonate, and that’s ok! i just hope it helps even one individual really feel less alone.

the issue is, we’ve got to get snug with the UNCOMFORTABLE. accepting elements of ourselves we have now tried so desperately to stuff down and hide. we now have to truly feel the pain that we’ve experienced in our lives, that we don’t even understand are utterly operating the present. we have now to begin to take heed to our bodies once we get overwhelmed with emotion and we feel tense and scared and anxious and unhappy…as an alternative of simply numbing these with meals, alcohol, buying, working, relationships…really feeling it absolutely. that’s the only approach they may go away for good.

it’s uncomfortable (VERY), and other people have a tough time with that. i do know i did! but there was a bit of voice inside me that began to turn out to be stronger. i began to lastly see outcomes, and was capable of experience actual JOY. and after a whole lot of harm, nervousness, trauma, resentment, disgrace, and guilt…JOY is one thing you don’t want to stop looking for. get hooked on joy! once you commit yourself to truly therapeutic these darkish corners and really dwelling your life with more peace (and i really assume i am solely 50% there!) all of it feels so much easier. lighter. more manageable. as a result of life is already arduous, nevertheless it doesn’t need to be that tough.

i wrote this primary publish a number of months ago when i started to really break via and find my true self. (which you will notice feels rather a lot like a youthful, innocent you. for me that was building forts with so much excitement, climbing timber and not using a worry on the earth, choosing cherries off the tree at my grandparent’s farm, driving my bike to high school and feeling the nice and cozy wind dashing over my physique.)

now i really feel excited to share PART 2 (and it’s LONG but keep on with me, okay?). i would like these posts to be a spot you’ll be able to come again to in case you are on that edge with yourself and wish help, need assets, have to feel understood. a spot that may inspire individuals, encourage therapeutic, and finally convey individuals again to their own pure joy (as a result of i actually consider we all have that inside us! it simply feels more durable to entry the more pain you’ve endured).

last notice earlier than i start. typically it will possibly really feel over the top (i have struggled with it feeling self indulgent) to read all these books, spend money and time going to remedy and meditation and understanding. it will probably really feel infinite and exhausting when framed the fallacious approach. i need to remind you that even the smallest modifications (cooking a meal and specializing in mindfulness, or meditating 5 mins within the morning, or shortly writing down one thing you’re grateful for that day) will begin to SHIFT your thoughts. out of your previous patterns and into a new place. don’t permit that part of yourself that desires to keep you in pain to discourage you.

consider me, i used to be a person that watched tons of reality television, by no means learn books, didn’t actually exercise, ate badly, drank too many nights every week, had co-dependent relationships, had little boundaries, avoidance issues, i used to be a workaholic….i attempted all of the ways to hide from my pain. it was a sluggish shift, and will in all probability change for the remainder of my life, however i promise in the event you begin small you will notice results!! haha, man, i sound like a motivational speaker, but i assume i just need to be comfortable with that.

and keep in mind, this is just MY journey. we all have such totally different lives. we all feel and expertise pain in a different way. i by no means need to come off as a know it all, or boastful, or like i’ve all of it found out. because i most definitely don’t. however i also know the modifications i’ve felt are too massive to not share and begin concersations round! nothing however love for you all!!!


ok let’s start with a useful tip that modified the sport for me. having a library card permits you to use apps like Libby, Hoopla and Kanopy to lease FREE books, audio books, and films. you’ll be able to actually take your self back to high school, at no cost! (my husband calls my kindle my pacifier haha) i really encourage this as a result of something that i need to tackle is that typically it might really feel actually overwhelming and EXPENSIVE to do all of this. nevertheless it actually doesn’t should be. and assets like this really take away our own excuses. they are free and out there to everyone. for those who don’t have time to read a e-book? take heed to an audio guide when you drive to work. it would be best to start prioritizing your time to really feel higher. as a result of once we feel higher, everybody round us benefits too.



a couple of months ago i lastly had the center to talk about my very own PTSD expertise (i have a highlight referred to as PTSD on my profile if you want to check it out) briefly, i used to be sexually abused as a three yr previous. i advised my mother and she or he reported it. sadly i needed to go to a hospital for every week on my own. i wasn’t allowed to have my mother and father there (i assume to encourage my opinion? i nonetheless don’t really understand how that was allowed) so although i don’t keep in mind being there, my physique does. around 12 years previous i began getting flashbacks of the abuse. little flashes that didn’t make sense. they felt like sexual goals that i couldn’t perceive. after some time, i was capable of ask my mom at some point “did one thing dangerous occur to me when i was younger?” i keep in mind her shocked face i don’t assume my mother needed any of it to be true, and clearly it’s too troublesome to elucidate to a three yr previous what was happening. so it was just not mentioned, until then. and even then, she didn’t have all the information, she had a very disturbing reminiscence of what i advised her, i had my own blurry reminiscences of sexual boundaries being crossed. and i had a ton of worry STUCK in my body.

i spent a LOT of years making an attempt to push that away, telling myself issues like “nicely, you don’t actually know if it occurred so simply overlook it.” or “individuals have had waaaay worse, they keep in mind their experience absolutely!” or “it’s up to now, transfer on.” as good as that may be, it doesn’t really work like that. as i acquired older i developed a HUGE worry of any doctor. i didn’t need to be around anyone in scrubs, if there wasn’t a window within the office i felt like my pores and skin was crawling, even the cotton balls would ship my heart fee over the sting.  a simple checkup turned something that i was so deathly afraid of. and principally, i might avoid the doctor! but i couldn’t avoid how my wrists felt delicate and that i felt the need to cover them, or how somebody brushing their tooth aggressively jogged my memory of that time. the mind is WILD. it shops all of it.

finally i began to inform myself. as an alternative of continuous to invalidate myself and attempt to white knuckle by way of life, i needed to study why i was feeling this manner, my entire life. these four books have been INCREDIBLY HELPFUL. they gave me science, analysis, FACTS. they taught me about how our brain develops as a young baby and eventually i felt goosebumps throughout whereas studying it. every page was resonating with me, and it was superb.

BOOKS: (keep in mind they are free to lease on those apps with a library card, but in addition cool to get paperbacks to make notes)

the complicated PTSD workbook
radical acceptance (i like the audio model!)
the physique retains score
waking the tiger
(the final two are extra dense and scientific however i like that stuff!)

EMDR remedy

i started EMDR therapy around the similar time. somatic experiencing and EMDR is principally about FEELING these physique sensations that come up if you end up triggered and rewiring your conduct within the present. rewiring your mind and your reactions to suit the current moment. reminding yourself that you’re protected NOW and that these are previous sensations. these are previous survival/coping mechanisms that your body is using, that is probably not vital anymore. they could even be creating extra problems. nevertheless it’s all about really learning to thank your body. be pleased about these “ideas.” study from them the place it is advisable concentrate on therapeutic. now when i feel that terrified/stuck/can’t breathe/scorching/dashing feeling, i simply say “thank you”. i say “thank you for making an attempt to protect me, and sending me a signal. i don’t want it proper now, however i respect the assistance.” and understanding that in the event you DO want it, will probably be proper there for you. this is pure science, and as soon as i learn these books and began doing this, WOWOWOWOW, was i blown away!


DOCTOR PHOBIAS: as someone who couldn’t step foot in the physician/dentist/gyno office with out having an entire emotional meltdown. i didn’t even get my blood drawn till two years ago. i can proudly say that i’ve had an IV, i’ve gone to the dentist twice, i’ve scheduled regualr checkups for moles, gyno and so on. i am a freaking champion now! do i still worry? sure, and that’s okay. but i was degree 10000 and now it’s 10% and manageable. i take myself out for ice cream after 🙂 it’s so liberating to not feel that nervousness anymore.

TRAVEL ANXIETY: i also had divorced mother and father (from delivery) who lived across the country and i regularly flew by myself, on standby, from a really young age. i’ve loads of reminiscences of being in the airport alone feeling scared or like i wouldn’t hear my identify being referred to as. or like i was going to get lost or in hassle. this brought about me to turn into hyper vigilant as an grownup. i had to show up very early to the airport. hold the boarding move tightly. examine gate 50 occasions. not calm till i landed at my vacation spot. continually scanning for danger of strangers. i was zero chill (and that’s not fun to travel with) i also didn’t need to make others uncomfortable so i might stuff all of it in and check out as exhausting as i might to placed on a cheerful face. it was a nightmare! and that i traveled all the time! i have began to know that whereas traveling is nerve-racking for most people, it didn’t need to be like THAT. i wanted to unload these previous emotions.

HEALING GENERATIONAL TRAUMA: this one is a bit tough as a result of i need to shield the emotions of individuals in my family. however it’s additionally an necessary matter. as soon as i began to uncover these things and develop into extra aware of where my pain was stemming from, i noticed where all of my anger was coming from. the anger then became unhappiness and mourning. and then, shifted slowly to compassion and forgiveness. this is BIG and i’m simply at the start of all of it up to now yr. i keep in mind last yr justin stated to me as we hiked machu picchu, “i feel like it’s essential work on forgiving your mother and father.” i used to be so PISSED that he would say that. he didn’t understand how i felt. the place is the justice in forgiving somebody that isn’t sorry?! i couldn’t grasp it. and somedays i still can’t, but i am getting there.

i started to see patterns in my family. pain and strict beliefs that have been recycled via generations. i began to take a look at my mother and father as humans. i began to have the ability to take pleasure in their constructive qualities and not focus as much on my ache. i shifted my perspective. simply since you’re a father or mother, doesn’t imply you KNOW IT ALL. my mother and father and grandparents (and i’m positive past that) had wounds that weren’t correctly dealt with or healed, i consider. of their needs not being met, i feel there were some of mine that have been uncared for totally.

there is a group of those that have this mentality of “oh get over it, you had food and a house and also you’re positive.” i don’t agree at all. feeling unseen as a sensitive baby can have lasting results in your self value and self-worth. mother and father that challenge their very own ache onto their youngsters and don’t have boundaries can do plenty of injury. mother and father that don’t really LISTEN to what their youngsters are feeling and just assume they know greatest, are hurting their youngsters. we look up to our mother and father for steerage and safety, and typically they’re just not the ones that know HOW to offer that.

however i’m on the other end of that, and starting to see…individuals are doing their greatest, with the level of awareness they’ve. and typically they fail. though certain things weren’t truthful or deserved…i can’t let them run my life anymore. i can discover buddies, partners, group and myself to make me feel validated and heard. i can heal those wounds alone and do my BEST to not cross on the ache i felt as a toddler with extreme nervousness/anger/worry. breaking generational trauma, i consider in it, and i feel we’re shifting in that course as a collective and that provides me a variety of hope for the longer term.

THE PRESENT MOMENT (wait, you have been here the entire time?!)

we will hear the words “stay within the present” one million occasions, and nonetheless not do it. i do know i used to be utterly caught within the ache of the previous (melancholy) and the fear of the longer term (nervousness). the current moment would peek by means of right here and there, briefly. i might really feel it when i was laughing hysterically with an in depth good friend. when i was traveling and exploring and seeing new things throughout me. when i noticed a reasonably flower. when i was laying on the sofa with justin watching a film, protected and at peace. when my surroundings have been so good, that i couldn’t deny the sensation of the current second. that’s joy, that’s life! that’s consciousness.

eckhart tolle speaks directly to my soul. the facility of now i talked about in my first publish is superb and a new earth is my new favorite. life altering truly!!! train your self to get out of your personal approach. ram dass can also be so cool and so right on monitor!

what i didn’t understand was that we have now sooooooo far more entry to that tremendous pleasure feeling than we expect. we get caught up in naming ourselves “i’m just an anxious individual.” or “that is simply who i’m.” it really is my perception now that yes, we might have predispositions, chemical imbalances or psychological illness that run in our household. these can make this strategy of turning into present (acutely aware) harder for us or require more “upkeep” corresponding to a healthy diet, less caffeine or alcohol, common train, or blood sugar regulation. (all things that work properly for me and are proven to help stabilize. this can be a good pay attention on that) but the core of it, i feel, is ache. these trapped emotions may cause sickness, continual ache, “issues” and a whole lot of harm feelings.


and i promise, i’m not towards medicine either. i just lately went on prozac for a yr and a half when i first started all of this and it was a huge factor of change. it principally helped me with my tolerance for ache. as a very delicate individual, it was really actually exhausting for me to face the information, it was exhausting to be trustworthy with myself, it felt like pure struggling. the drugs helped me get there. nevertheless it also took away a few of my feelings (good and dangerous). it wasn’t until a month or so ago i decided i felt stronger and that i needed to place my tools absolutely to the check. coming off of it hasn’t been straightforward (particularly as a result of i unearthed a whole lot of this ON the medicine) however it’s value it i feel, and that i can all the time go back on if i would like. while it’s troublesome at occasions, it’s also the happiest i’ve ever been. and that i’m dedicated to discovering what works for me to take care of this feeling.

no shame in treatment! none. do what works for you. however just concentrate on why you’re doing something and how long you need to do this for.


this half makes me nervous, which suggests i nonetheless have some work to do. since january of this yr i’ve been targeted on my intuition and my newfound religious path. i feel like i belief myself more now to information my means by way of life with higher decisions. i consider in all those little indicators that pop up. one e-book leads me to another, one new pal introduces us to a new apply…it’s all there for a cause, if we’re listening and have the courage to attempt new things. i don’t need to get TOO into all of this because it’s all very new to me and i don’t need to sound like several kind of authority, but i will give it my greatest shot.

principally i grew up in a really strict christian house. i went to the bible camps the place individuals have been speaking in tongues. i keep in mind feeling scared that i used to be going to hell if i didn’t say the prayer right. that god might hear my doubt and i used to be doomed. i just didn’t resonate with the “it needs to be this manner, or else” mentality of it. this can be a controversial matter, however it’s my story. i didn’t need to consider that just because my uncle was homosexual, he was going to hell. i didn’t need to consider that a pal of mine at college with a special religion was going to hell. that didn’t sit nicely with me at all. in fact there have been some positives to being raised with this background, sure morals and an general lesson of spreading love and forgiveness. but again, there was a gap for me.

so after high school i simply shut it all off. i chose not to consider religion, and that i undoubtedly didn’t take into consideration spirituality as a result of truthfully i used to be taught that wasn’t good/proper. i felt disgrace, confusion, guilt, and pure terror that hell was in my future, and that i didn’t need to take into consideration that in any respect. so i didn’t speak about it, and that i didn’t explore what DID feel right for me, till just lately.

truthfully, i am not towards any faith. the only factor i’m towards is anything that includes hate and causing individuals worry. what works for you, is totally your selection! everybody deserves that. i’ve truly come again around to the thought of God, and that Jesus was a tremendous man with a message and that the bible has a number of truths. i simply assume there are some miscommunications throughout the years that can’t be proven.

now, i’m forming what i do consider in. what resonates with me. the facility of affection and compassion. that we have now the power to heal ourselves via mindfulness and connection and self acceptance. that nature feels good for my soul. that constructive mindsets lead to constructive outcomes. that raising consciousness is the important thing to happiness. that all of us have an power that we are putting out on the planet and receiving back that same power in return. easy truths that really feel right for me. it has led me to seek function!


on that Kanopy app i used to be telling you about there are soooo many cool documentaries, artwork films and knowledge for each style. i love to geek out on the science/psychology/health stuff as a result of the thoughts actually intrigues me.

i’ve also lately been feeling SO a lot better by starting a every day meditation follow (just 10 minutes) and shifting my physique with somewhat yoga. small steps.

this AWAKE documentary is so cool and i used to be so excited to observe it! similar with the E-MOTION documentary concerning the connection to our thoughts and body. i actually like all the sensible scientists and docs that how knowledge to why these things is true. it’s not just a made up factor, that helped me feel more assured in exploring it (with my spiritual background).

i might love to hear your documentaries and assets too! (like the Heal documentary on netflix)


as an alternative of countless actuality tv (and consider me i still watch teen mom and vanderpump guidelines)…it’s okay in case you are choosing to “take a look at” and watch one thing that takes you out of your personal reality. i just didn’t like that i was doing it always so i didn’t need to really feel my feelings. i used to be watching the actual housewives despite the fact that it began to actually bore me, just because i was used to watching it. that’s simply not sensible. i began to value my time a bit extra and find a higher stability.

podcasts have been superb for this. i can put one on while i made dinner, drive to work, in visitors and so forth. studying is pleasant for me so i made a decision to pursue more of it.

conversation with alanis morissette (one in every of my very first CDs!) is an unimaginable podcast! her interviews with peter levine, sue johnson, and dan seigel are some of my favorites, however i truthfully like all of them. she has introduced my awareness and information up 10 levels!

oprah’s super soul sunday additionally has some actual good ones. creating harmony with deepak chopra, a new earth with eckhart tolle on the pain physique, aware consuming with michael pollan, tara westover who wrote “educated”, anything with brene brown…there are such a lot of gems!


i used to be also spending a loooooot of time on social media. i might justify that it was “my job!” but when i used to be being trustworthy with myself, i used to be simply wasting time and hooked on it. i used to be taking in an excessive amount of info that made me really feel all types of issues, and mindlessly scrolling anytime i had a free second. the stillness made me so uncomfortable (and nonetheless engaged on that lots) so i decided, if i’m not going to utterly cease utilizing instagram (since it is a massive part of my job that i really like), i am at LEAST going to vary what i am taking a look at. mute the accounts that triggered feelings of inadequacy or inauthenticity, and begin following accounts that made me really feel GOOD. lovely photographs and accounts that inspire me creatively, these can keep. then i started adding a variety of constructive mindset accounts which might be every day reminders that hold me on monitor.

the holistic psychologist is consistently giving me that “YES!!!!” feeling. that feeling that i’m doing this journey for a purpose, and it matters, and i may help others heal too! she taught me a trick, to keep ONE promise to myself every day. doesn’t matter how small. something like, i am going to pay that bill i’ve been avoiding. and then having the self-discipline to do it. you’ll really feel proud and start to belief yourself more. trust that you could rely on YOU. seems simple, but man does it work.

i attempt to publish a variety of inspiring accounts in my instagram stories now if you wish to study some new accounts you could be into too! i am truly determining a approach that i could make my account and blog extra into what feels real to me right now, however it’s a course of and i need to be very intentional about it. instagram tales is just a little corner of the web the place i can categorical freely and be myself. i adore it.

so now that i’ve explained where the heck my head has been at this yr, and why i’ve been extra quiet on this weblog, listed here are the precise methods i’ve been implementing modifications into my life. hopefully a few of them be just right for you too!


after listening to michael pollan’s episode about aware eating, something just clicked. i used to stuff myself. i felt so excited when i was eating. so delicious! so fun! nothing hurts! so distracting! and then i started realizing i can love meals and never overeat. i can deal with myself without binging. i could be wholesome with out depriving myself. it’s all about mindset. WHY are we going to the fridge late at night time. WHY can we maintain eating even once we are full. i was creating more shame and physique points as a result of i wasn’t conscious of my emotional eating. i nonetheless get sidetracked and order too much on postmates and eat it all “as a result of i don’t need to waste it.” however no less than i may be trustworthy with myself and minimize myself some slack now. when you’re aware, you gained’t attach disgrace as much.


not only has acupuncture helped with my constant aching knees, hips and ankles (which i feel are on account of stuck emotions, and not shifting my physique sufficient) however it has given me emotional aid. it’s delicate and requires a bit extra effort than one session. i was skeptical for a long time but couldn’t ignore that my pain was truly going away after. these are historic practices which were around endlessly for a purpose! attain out if you need a suggestion.


due to my resistance to shifting my body, i started isolating myself. staying indoors, avoiding individuals and staying on the sofa. (the physique retains score guide talks quite a bit about how our body will get caught in either battle, flight or frozen mode. mine felt frozen)

just lately i have been pushing previous these psychological limits. go to yoga, attempt a brand new hike, stretch within the mornings, stroll with a pal for 30 mins. start SMALL and build confidence. you’ll by no means ever regret shifting your body. it eases your mind and relaxes your nervous system. joanie has been an enormous motivator for me for a few years and i’m so grateful for her!

but in addition be EASY on yourself. if i even walk in the door to a yoga class that day, that’s a win. if i need to sit in baby’s pose half the category, that’s ok too. you went, you possibly can attempt again, no have to disgrace yourself.

and sunshine! give yourself a strong dose of 10 minutes a day. it’s confirmed to make you happier. i know SO MUCH the feeling of wanting to stay inside, disguise, hibernate, be underneath the covers. i promise you are able to do it. little steps every day, keep in mind.

now i’ve been making an attempt boxing, yoga, dance, climbing, strolling, pilates…i’m finding what works greatest for me and what i need to persist with! and it feels great thus far.


i created a bit area outdoors where i can get sunshine, chill out, and meditate. i exploit the Headspace app, which is free, for 10 minutes a day. i decided to purchase the annual move after doing 30 days in a row because they offer much more meditations, however the free one is a superb resource. Calm is a superb app too.

because of my past, i have a problem with emotional regulation. i get anxious simply and i might are likely to lash out, isolate, cry…i didn’t know what to do with those emotions. now when i really feel this manner, i meditate, i’m going within the other room. i take heed to my body. i really feel and say to myself “where does it feel dangerous?” and “what does it feel like?” or “what does this feeling remind you of?” after which simply sit with it. really feel it. watch it move and change and ultimately feel lighter. i show myself compassion like i might for a good friend. i nurture that younger part of myself that feels so overloaded. this works!!!


busy palms, calm thoughts. it’s true, for positive. i took up cooking and it gave me a brand new sense of accomplishment to get good at one thing from scratch. now i really like making an attempt new issues and pushing previous that uncomfortable feeling of not being “ok.” if you find yourself learning one thing new you’ll make mistakes. as a perfectionist, that is freaking onerous. however the more you attempt the better it will get! justin has pushed me rather a lot on this method. now i need to attempt all of it!

i tried ceramics and drawing lately and they are so therapeutic!


now that i truly LIKE myself more, spending time alone is enjoyable. i used to dread it. i might fill my time with work, greatest pals, romantic relationships, telephone time, television…i might freak out if i had to sit with my own painful thoughts. now, i really like my alone time. i am realizing that i’ve all the time been an introvert too.

it’s a place for me to learn, recharge, assume, relaxation. i attempt to ebook myself 1-2 nights a month somewhere that makes me joyful, perhaps a short drive away, so i can chill and mirror throughout this time of a lot change. i all the time come back better. i know that before i’ve youngsters this solo time is absolutely essential to develop and evolve.


via allllll of this, i am finally touchdown on my function. why am i on this planet? what do i consider in and care about? it hit me at some point that my love of youngsters, and my want to help heal others with beauty and consciousness is something that i really needed to concentrate on. i needed to take my love of art and show youngsters find out how to use it for aid.

i jumped right into signing up for CASA. it’s a program where i can advocate for youngsters who have been abused and neglected. i need to give a toddler a loving protected area, i need to give them healthy tools and a listening ear. i simply finished my 6 week coaching and i shall be assigned to my baby or youth in a number of weeks. the thrill i feel is BIG. i know that is going to show me a lot and add so much worth to my life. i can’t wait to see the way it all unfolds and where it leads me subsequent.


loving, supportive, variety individuals who perceive you and help guide you. that is simply where it’s AT. watch your love for yourself develop and your tolerance for poisonous individuals reduce. thank you, subsequent.

i discovered just a little thing referred to as boundaries too, which positive helps.


to begin with, when you made it this far, thanks a lot for studying!!! this came immediately from my heart, and i might love to talk about it in the comments. i am grateful for all the feedback!

gratitude, it’s an enormous one. i was stuck within the feeling of “injustice” for a very long time. the sufferer position. i simply couldn’t see all that i had, as a result of i didn’t feel good with myself. it’s been so good to take day trip of my day each day and present gratitude for the things that i have. the loving individuals in my life, the freedom to do what i really like, the roof over my head, my health…specializing in those issues more have only brought extra of them. it’s really superb. do this little 5 min gratitude journal or simply make a remark in your telephone.


thank you a lot for taking the time to learn, this means so much to me. i can’t wait to listen to from you!! numerous love and all the encouragement that we CAN DO THIS TOGETHER! xx bri